Dumb Ass Tourist Handbook

It’s marathon weekend in New York. Thanksgiving is on the horizon. Daylight savings time ends tonight. All harbingers of extreme numbers of tourists in the Big Apple. I’ll set the record straight up front: Tourists fuel a good part of the retail economy in New York. Come here, spend your Euros or dollars, enjoy the sights and sounds and tell your friends.

But please don’t be a dumb ass. There’s no excuse for some of the behaviors I’ve witnessed this week.

Rule #1: Do not stop in the middle of the sidewalk or street. If you’re walking and decide to answer your cell phone, pull out the oversized map, or check the guidebook, step to the side of the sidewalk first. Move into a doorway. Get out of the flow of foot traffic. Otherwise, someone will walk into you. We expect people to keep moving, not to make random stops and starts. Take pictures of the buildings, please, but do it without acting like a traffic pylon. I came without a shoulder of a few calls for checking from behind yesterday and I was being polite.

Rule #2: Tip. The next time I hear “Americans love to give away money” I will point out, loudly, that we have millions of people who depend on tip income to supplement their minimal hourly salaries. When a person in a service role does something on your behalf, show your appreciation by giving them a schmear. Perfect example: I watched a toursita hand over two bags to a restaurant hostess, claiming she’d be back for them in a few hours. So far, so good. But put a few dollars in the hostess’ hand at the same time: She may not be working at dinner. She might appreciate you showing a modicum of respect for having her schlep your crap through a lunch crowd. This is what I call the gold-plated rule: Treat others the way you want them to treat your stuff.

Rule #3: Don’t buy fakes or infringing products; if you do, do not complain about their quality. If you somehow believe that there’s a DVD available of a movie that opened last Thursday, don’t be surprised if it looks like it was produced on a hand-held camcorder. It was. Ditto for the paint that comes off of the fake Oakley sunglasses. Better yet, respect the vendors and brands, and recognize that any bargain that looks too good to be true isn’t true. It’s a fake.

Rule #4: Enjoy street food. Don’t carry on about cleanliness, cooking time, seasoning, scents, or smoke. Eat a pretzel and get a drink; enjoy some candy-coated nuts; have a hot dog – it’s part of the experience, and it’s fast and fairly priced. Pretzels will be $1-2. If you ask, it’s $7, just for you. Like parking lots, they vary in quality, cost and service times.

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